« New Headset | Main | Potter »
November 17, 2005
So Many Men So Little Time (not so much anymore)
So many men so little time playing in the background. I left on that song. My song.
For some reason it means something different tonight. Tonight, once again, I walk into the bar, not knowing a soul, walking up to the bar, looking around at strangers, wondering if anyone even notices me, saying hi to the one who everyone knows is *that* guy who says hi to anyone because he's loneley, Im getting my drink, still listening to the music, finding a place to settle, drinking my drink, and again wondering if I exist in the moment, right now, in this time, and in this place.
So Many Men So Little Time! I left during *that* song. At one time it was my theme song. Now I wonder. How many men are there still? How little time do I have? Ive grown older and wiser, yet I still seem to wonder.
I'm on my way home but stop to think about all the memories. A guy walks by who has the voice of Bernie Brown. The tone of voice too. God I miss my friends.
I think about how closed I've become and how I don't let anyone in, including Josh. I want the best for everyone, and I often sacrifice my own happiness to see the smile on another persons face. Most don't realize this about me but I let my own desires go when it comes to being there for friends and in my relationship. I often wish I had the same backbone or does all my friends who listen, think the same thing of me.
I think about all the friends who really don't know me. I think about all the people I haven't let in. I wish they knew how much I care. I wish they knew how much I'd love to talk to them. Do they really want to listen? I wonder how many do.
A lot of this has to do with Scott. I dated him and lost most of my trust with most of my friends. It also allowed me to close myself off from trusting anyone. God I hate him. I know we shouldn't really hate anyone but for some reason all my issues stem from someone I dated for 4 months. Yes, 4 months. The friends I used to confide in, the friends I used to trust are all wasted now on the fact that I cant open up who I am and cant tell people how I feel, out of rejection that I may once again get tossed aside like a wet rag that has just accidentally brushed against your cheek. God I have issues. God I wish I could have that openness back with the people I love. God, Im not the average Leo (despite what I want to believe).
So I'm heading home. Wondering where the rest of my night takes me. Ill watch Smallville and go to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. The weekend awaits.
So Many Men, So Little Time. The song rings a bell and I remember when that was true. Now its Billy Flynn. All I Care About Is Love (unless its my own).
I dont go out on Thursdays. This is unusual. Have I mentioned how nice it is knowing tomorrow is Friday?
By the way, I bleached my hair and then dyed it a blond. I like it but others may not. Clean shaven but who cares? I need a change in my life.
Posted by Des at November 17, 2005 07:30 PM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.desmondsdoghouse.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/194