« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »
November 24, 2005
During The Night Out
Scene 1:
You walk into a bar and spot a really cute guy. You sit there silent. Another really cute guy walks up and sits next to the first. Your first thought is "why do the cute ones always talk end up hooking up". Then they speak and you realize they are both messes. Next thought..."thank god they're not talking to me".
Scene 2:
I am walking down 18th heading back to daddys. A cute guy looks at me. He turns his head as he passes. The guy with him smacks him. Must be his boyfriend.
Scene 3:
How will I Know blaring from the Bar On Castro. One of the first songs I ever heard in a dance club. Can't remember the year. It was way too long ago.
Scene 4:
Back to Daddys. Hanging out with my friend Manny and having a good time. Discussing the porn that's on the TV and realizing I lived those scenes. Then a face that made me realize, when people fuck, they try and be *that* guy in the video. That face where the lips are open but rounded, saying "woof fuck me". I've been on both sides of that face. Porn does nothing for me.
Posted by Des at 09:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 23, 2005
Two Great Feats
First: I bought a 2.5mm to 3.5mm adapter and we can now use our phones to play wireless music through the headphones with the Pulsar 590 that we got a few weeks ago. Its amazing to be able to put the phone and the adapter in my pocket and have the headset wireless, cranking out Madonnas new CD.
Second: I realized Josh's video camera can record from VHS. With this I can now convert VHS tapes to DVD.
Tomorrow, Thanksgiving with Josh's family in Roseville.
Life is good. :)
Posted by Des at 06:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 21, 2005
Potter
Weekend was good. A bit tiring but good.
Friday night we went to see Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Now for those who have read the book, I really think you will be disappointed. Id love to hear reasons if you are not.
Seems to me, they cut out a lot of important story factors. I was expecting house elves and got nothing. I was expecting to see Doby and got nothing. I was looking forward to the story of Hagrid finally finding someone else who was half giant and got a tame flirtatious romanace between two big people. Not half giants, no shame in being mixed, but just a condensed version of what should have been and could have been more interesting.
Rita Skeeters character wasnt half as annoying as in the book. The book dealt more with her tabloid writings and underhanded style of getting the story. "how does she know this stuff" and "she is totally writing out of context".
Some other stuff that was cut was much of the Quitich World Cup. Now this I was looking forward to seeing because when reading about it, it seemed like they had opportunities to make this into a completely magical event. Lots of glitter, gold, spells, magic.
So it really left me feeling empty and after being awake for 21 hours straight just to see it, it really didnt seem worth it to me.
Saturday I am sworn to secrecy. Apparently what Josh and I were doing is destined to remain a secret (at least till christmas). I can say we had a great time.
Sunday was beer bust. Josh started getting sick this weekend and it continued through Sunday. He ended up going to Barrys and ended up crashing there. I had a great time at beer bust and met some new people. I did leave earlier than normal though and figured Id leave on a good note. Sometimes when you are having a good time, its better to leave early and just chalk it up as a fun day. I ended up stopping at the Edge for what was intended as one more before heading home. I ran into my friend Allan who I havent seen in a while. For some weird reason I was popular with people and it really makes me wonder why some days no one talks to me and on other days everyone wants to. Its really odd.
So today was work again. I was hesitant about calling in but figured I have Thursday off and in 3 1/2 weeks Im heading to Rochester for a week. I havent called in since Ive been there and I almost feel guilty if I do. They have been giving me fantastic praise there on my work ethics that to disappoint them almost feels like I would be ruining everything. To give an example, today I got an email from the CEO. He received an email from my new lead who was praising me and telling him how great it was having me in the group.
With that, the CEO emailed me in response to his email and praised me himself. It was nice to hear good stuff. He also told Josh and I to go out and have dinner over the Thanksgiving holiday and bring him the receipt. Its weird to hear nice things and actually be rewarded for it.
On that note, it brings my entry to a close. Tomorrows another day.
Posted by Des at 06:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 17, 2005
So Many Men So Little Time (not so much anymore)
So many men so little time playing in the background. I left on that song. My song.
For some reason it means something different tonight. Tonight, once again, I walk into the bar, not knowing a soul, walking up to the bar, looking around at strangers, wondering if anyone even notices me, saying hi to the one who everyone knows is *that* guy who says hi to anyone because he's loneley, Im getting my drink, still listening to the music, finding a place to settle, drinking my drink, and again wondering if I exist in the moment, right now, in this time, and in this place.
So Many Men So Little Time! I left during *that* song. At one time it was my theme song. Now I wonder. How many men are there still? How little time do I have? Ive grown older and wiser, yet I still seem to wonder.
I'm on my way home but stop to think about all the memories. A guy walks by who has the voice of Bernie Brown. The tone of voice too. God I miss my friends.
I think about how closed I've become and how I don't let anyone in, including Josh. I want the best for everyone, and I often sacrifice my own happiness to see the smile on another persons face. Most don't realize this about me but I let my own desires go when it comes to being there for friends and in my relationship. I often wish I had the same backbone or does all my friends who listen, think the same thing of me.
I think about all the friends who really don't know me. I think about all the people I haven't let in. I wish they knew how much I care. I wish they knew how much I'd love to talk to them. Do they really want to listen? I wonder how many do.
A lot of this has to do with Scott. I dated him and lost most of my trust with most of my friends. It also allowed me to close myself off from trusting anyone. God I hate him. I know we shouldn't really hate anyone but for some reason all my issues stem from someone I dated for 4 months. Yes, 4 months. The friends I used to confide in, the friends I used to trust are all wasted now on the fact that I cant open up who I am and cant tell people how I feel, out of rejection that I may once again get tossed aside like a wet rag that has just accidentally brushed against your cheek. God I have issues. God I wish I could have that openness back with the people I love. God, Im not the average Leo (despite what I want to believe).
So I'm heading home. Wondering where the rest of my night takes me. Ill watch Smallville and go to sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. The weekend awaits.
So Many Men, So Little Time. The song rings a bell and I remember when that was true. Now its Billy Flynn. All I Care About Is Love (unless its my own).
I dont go out on Thursdays. This is unusual. Have I mentioned how nice it is knowing tomorrow is Friday?
By the way, I bleached my hair and then dyed it a blond. I like it but others may not. Clean shaven but who cares? I need a change in my life.
Posted by Des at 07:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 11, 2005
New Headset
Today I got a new headset. Its one that Ive wanted since I heard it was coming out in July. It was finally released recently and I finally got one of my own.
Now you may be thinking "whats the big deal, its just a headset?". Here's the deal. Its a bluetooth headset, that is also stereo headphones that I can hook up to my mac and use like headphones. It also has a retractable microphone so I can also use it as a headset with my cell phone.
Here's a list of the things that are great.
a) It works with my cell phone in stereo instead of just one ear.
b) It has the best noise cancelling Ive ever seen.
c) I can listen to music on my mac via bluetooth
d) It comes with an adapter for an ipod or non bluetooth laptop
e) When Im listening to music, and get a call, it beeps and I can switch to the cell phone.
f) It can be converted into wired headphones for traveling by air.
g) You can track forward, back, control volume, answer calls, and mute from the headset so I can just keep it on and be no where near my computer or phone and still switch and adjust it.
If those reasons arent good enough for you, then try 12 hours of talk time and 10 hours of listening time and can charge via USB port.
The Pulsar 590a is so far the best thing since I got my mac and treo 650.
Posted by Des at 06:12 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 09, 2005
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
I'm exhausted this morning. The reason for my exhaustion is simple. We went to the theater last night to see Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. The play was great.
This has always been one of those titles I've heard about and have been told by many how great the movie is. Its a classic. Its also the kind of movie, although I'd love to see it, would never actually rent or buy.
Going to see it on stage, I'm so glad I didn't. Although there was only one set, the acting really came through. The characters were amazing, and the actors who played them, were a step above that.
With that said, I have no desire now to see the movie. I did however think of my friend Steve, and his ever lasting devotion to Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe. The similarity between the two are an easy line. They both involve a drunk (at least one).
The reason I thought of Steve and the movie was that every time Rick poured himself a glass of alcohol, you could hear the ice falling in the glass, which seemed to echo when he swirled it to mix it up. Steve, if you read this, you could hear the clink clink clink. You would have loved it.
Mostly, and above all other things great and small, it was great quality time with Josh. We started with a nice pasta dinner and ended with a great time.
Its now 4:45am and I'm heading to work. We got home last night at 11:30 and I was up at 3:30. I'm exhausted this morning.
Posted by Des at 03:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 08, 2005
How I View The World
I was chatting with a friend online this evening and I realized how different my view of the world is compared to so many people. I stand outside on the deck of my apartment and think about the lives going on around me. With a 180 degree view from Twin Peaks to the bay, I see so many people without actually seeing their faces or knowing anything about them.
When I look out into the distance, I see planes taking off and landing. Just a glimmer of light in the sky but I know there is life. There are people flying out of San Francisco and others flying into this great city of ours. I count, there are at least 8 planes in the sky at once with as few as 80 and as much as 350 people in each aircraft. Each glimmer of light reflects the life of so many people.
I look up at twin peaks and see life without faces. I see tourists and locals who are enjoying the view of the city below. People who have never before laid eyes on the beautiful skyline, the golden gate bridge at night and the ships in the bay. They are seeing the sites for the first time.
I look at Castro Theater and without seeing a face, I know there are people looking at the posters, taking pictures of the theater, and perhaps even waiting in a line for the next show. They are looking at the coming attractions.
Just across the street there are people drinking at Daddys and The Bar on Castro. People in Daddys dressed from leather to tshirt and jeans. Some probably feeling as if they dont belong and others who are feeling they have been there forever. The Bar on Castro is a bit different, a different crowd, and different vibes. People are smoking out front and others dancing in their narrow space in the back of the bar.
I look down at Dolores Park and know there are people there walking their dogs, perhaps finishing up the evening sunset, and people thinking about going home, going to dinner, and perhaps going home or dinner with someone they just met for the first time.
These are all people Ive never met, people I will most likely never meet, people who will live here for a while and move on, and people who are may become my friends down the road in some strange and unusual way.
All of this happening at the same time, in one moment, in one time, and knowing this goes beyond my horizon, I know there is life in other cities, towns, states, and countries. People sleeping, and people waking up. People arguing, people laughing. People living their lives the best way they can or the only way they know how.
All the people I know are doing their thing, which doesnt involve me or even anyone else I may know. With this, I think, when I do see them, its only for a moment, and Im lucky to have these people in my life. I am one of those people, now sitting in my apartment, typing in my journal and listening to the end of Charmed. We are only a spec of life in a huge world, in a huge universe, and I am grateful for the people around me and everything I have.
Im not sure who to thank for this, but I thank you.
Posted by Des at 05:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
November 01, 2005
Lack of Entry
So when was the last time Ive updated this thing? Im not really certain since the screen is now blank. I could go back and check but hey, Im here now.
So recent events taking place. Finally got a weekend to catch up the weekend before this past one. It felt like I actually caught up on most of the sleep I lost over the summer with all of the festivals and fairs. It was well needed however this past weekend was a bit over done.
Friday night I stayed in knowing I would most likely go out Saturday night. Saturday is the "gay" halloween in Castro and Monday is the BIG night which scares me. I got down there around 9pm and the Castro was hopping. Everyplace was packed and finally with so many fags celebrating from bad drag to lots of sailors, they closed off Castro Street.
With this, there was no drinking in the streets. After hanging out with my new friends Danny and Mike (whom I met the weekend before), they persuades me to drink canned beer from a paper bag. I was getting drunk enough where I didnt care.
After making the rounds in Castro, and finishing our ghetto beer, they also convinced me it was a good idea to go to Powerhouse. It was not. I was trashed and I hate being so far from home I need to take public transportation when Im drunk. Regardless, I crossed the line I always cross and needed to go at that exact moment. I cabbed it home spending money I didnt need to spend. I made it home safely.
Sunday, being the "glutton for punishment" type of guy I am, I went to beer bust. I started early so I went to the Lone Star first. Met a few cool people and played pool with some guy. I won which was weird to me but I think he was being nice in letting me win.
After a few beers there, I went to beer bust around 3:15. It was quit but I did get to see Kenji before he left. I always enjoy seeing him and he always puts a smile on my face.
To make the story a bit shorter (but not any more interesting) I got drunk. Some people showed up by this time. Steve and Jay along with some friends of Jays that were in town. Some people I knew and it was fun but the line was coming quickly again.
One thing that did happen that struck me as odd, is a guy whom I thought snubbed me all the time. Its funny how you get certain impressions about people without even knowing them. We tend to make judgements based on appearance, facial expressions, lack of words (or in some cases drunken words which arent thought out completely). As we were in the bathroom, he said to me "we (being his friends) we're saying you have such a cute face".
Now being drunk, and always having a feeling that the guy didnt like me for some weird, self concious reason, all I could reply was "I thought you didnt like me". After thinking about it, this didnt seem like the best response to someone who just paid me a compliment. If reversed I probably would have came back like he did with a solid "I dont even know you, why wouldnt I like you?". Either way, the proper response should have been "thank you, Im Desmond". Next time lol.
So drunk and stupid, we went to the Lone Star. This is where I black out a bit. I dont believe we had a drink there but its possible. I remember bits of walking down the street with Steve to Muni. He was soooo my saviour that afternoon.
I dont remember the train ride at all but I do remember getting off at Church because we got on the J, and apparently it was because I didnt want to wait for the correct train. I only learned that the next day.
I parted with Steve at Church. He walked up to Castro and I caught a cab home. Its only about a mile home but I didnt want to stumble down Market Street looking like the fool.
Halloween, Oct 31st, Castro Street, 200-300 THOUSAND people. Straight, Ghetto, from east bay and beyond. It was a mad house. I stayed home.
On to work. Its been great. I started new hours this week working 5:30am - 2pm. Im loving it. Im up early anyway and love getting done early in the afternoon. Ive been wanting a shift like this for a while now and finally got it. They are also paying this shift an extra $100 per pay check to work it. Heck, they could have saved the money cause I would have done it for the same rate. Bonus for me though.
Tonight Josh and I are heading for a reading or a play or something. I forget what its about but seems like a nice thing to do. I guess we are meeting his friend Barry and it will be nice to finally spend a bit of time with Barry since Ive been really afraid of it.
See I like Barry a lot (not in that way) but for the fact he is just one of those great guys who on a rare occassion comes into ones life. Josh is lucky to have someone like him as a friend and I guess part is afraid of getting close. Several reasons this happens. 1) he is Josh's friend and I dont want to invade that space. We all need our own friends and Barry has been a great friend to Josh. The other reason is that I always question everything. "why did he do that" or better yet "why would he do that nice thing he did". Its not that I think there is something he wants in return but just the opposite. I dont like accepting gifts that are whole hearted and given without reason. I always feel guilty in taking this mainly because I feel less of myself. I feel like I now owe something and know I dont have anything to give in return. This one tends to hold me back from a lot of close friendships and I know it holds me back in my relationship. Its nice to see but changing who I am is rather difficult. All I can do is try.
So thats about all thats happening on my end. So much for short updates. I would promise to write more frequently but Im afraid I know how bad I slack. Till next time, if you are still reading, hugs.
Posted by Des at 05:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
In The Family
So last night we went to a reading of a play. At first I was thinking "how good can it be?" since it was a reading, no major props, scripts in hand, and actors without the time to rehearse. I was wrong.
The story about a preachers son, who is now in line to become a preacher himself, is faced with issues, after realizing two things. His now dead great great grandfather, who founded the church, and was his dads icon, was now gay. He discovers after he and his sister go into the attack (which is off limits), to raid an old locked box of their ancestor. While his sister is gone, the son finds a diary written by his great great grandfather.
The son is now also faced with the fact that he too is gay and now has to decide if he wants to walk down the same path, become a minister, and hide the truth about his great great grandfather as well as himself.
I really enjoyed it for the most part but the one thing it did seem to be lacking was history for the dead decendent. I was a bit confused too at the beginning (perhaps still am) as to the relationship between the family. For some weird reason I thought at the beginning that perhaps they were step siblings but after a while, that thought just died and was forgotten.
Anyway, it was a great show overall and I really hope it does well. If you ever get a chance to see it, please do. The play is by Brian J. Tognotti and he did a fantastic job.
Posted by Des at 03:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack