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May 01, 2005
Heartwood
Deer, Eagles, Turkeys, Cats, Bugs,Insects, Bumble Bees, Gophers, Spiders, and so many other creatures, living among the grounds of Heartwood.
Thursday night was coffee house, which was a lot of fun. I watched Josh take charge of a skit, not only that but he seemed to be tackling so much and making it work. Between coffee house, and graduation, as well as running his own schedule. It was nice to see him taking charge and making it work.
Friday I have to say was a bit disappointing. Josh left about 1:30 and I was feeling a bit alone. I felt a bit abandoned and was really irritated, wondering if I made the right decision to come up on Thursday or not. I wasnt happy with being put at a lower priority than what he was doing but I do know some things are more important to him, and I guess I have to learn to trust him in that respect.
As it turned out, he didnt stay the night as he originally planned. He came back to be with me which made me feel really good. Somewhere down deep, I was hoping he would, so when he walked through the door I wasnt sure how to feel anymore.
I was in bed asleep and I guess during the night I had mixed emotions. Part of me wanted to hold him tight, comfort him, love him, and the other part wanted to scream "you abandoned me, left me in your room all alone, on top of a mountain, with people I dont know, and more dreadlocks than Ive ever seen in my life, and 45 minutes to civilization with no way to get there."
We did quite a bit of talking on Saturday morning. I expressed my hurt feelings and he expressed his emotions that he got out of the ritual the evening before. He told me how much he loved me, appreciated me, respected me, and so much more. The words were nice to hear but the nicest part was when he described our experience in the cabin about a year and a half prior. He said "that was the night I made the decision to marry you". Wow... that really hit home.
With that we met Jana and Silas and watched Lemminy Snickets movie (sp?). It was enjoyable, however I really dont enjoy Jim Carey. He seems to make everything into a comedy and Im not so certain this movie should have been. It should have been darker, more gloomy, and with *that guy*.
After the movie, we talked some more. We went to see Sarah (who was fantastic at coffee house), and she gave us a tarrot reading both individually and as a couple. It was another emotional experience.
I almost cried at some things but seeing Josh cry on his really hit home. Seeing us together in the cards, really touched an emotional string.
For me, it was about conflict and change (who'da thunk lol). The transition from what I know and what I want to become. The fears of being held back or holding myself back for that matter because of safety. Seeing work as a burden rather than enjoyable. Seeing where I was going afterwards and knowing that its uncertain.
For Josh, it touched on a lot of his desires, fears, and emotions, which I will let you read in his journal.
For the two of us, we are a ton of energy, very similar in ways via our heart and caring. On the outside we appear very different but on the inside is what keeps us going. She saw the conflicts we have which we need to work on, and it was really amazing how accurate she was. I have to say, we left there feeling love for each other and feeling the love back.
So after the reading, it was dinner, back to the room, and then down to the celebration of spring. It was in preperation for todays event. They built a fire, and sat around playing the drums. This girl Jessie who was visiting, did a tobacco ceromony which was kind of fun to watch. Saying prayers to the north, south, east, west, mother earth, the spirits, and prayers to all that surround it.
This morning I lay awake, Josh is sleeping for 3 more minutes while I finish my entry. It shall be a fun day, a loving day, a good day for what I see.
Ill be here till Friday morning. Hooray graduation Thursday.
Posted by Des at May 1, 2005 06:37 AM
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