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September 24, 2004
Identities
I’ve finally figured out what has taken me 4 months to realize. I currently have no identity. I have been stripped of everything and left to start anew.
If you could imagine for a moment, having nothing left of who you are, where you have been, or where you are going. That is where I am right now.
My past is gone!
Nothing but remnants of what used to be, the life I used to have, and the people I once knew. Who I was? Who I am? I’m not too sure right now. Will it make me stronger, will it kill my existence. These are questions I’m battling every day.
I feel like my entire identity has been removed. I look around the bar and see fragments of people I once knew. People who remind me of people, of friends, of my life as I once knew it. I see actions, and gestures. I hear laughter in ways I was once a part of. I see sisters provoking sisters and having a good time.
I feel myself drifting, wondering, who am I? I once was a part of that. It was once who I was. It was once me.
Billy (who I might add loves a mention in my journal) would understand. I am now a small fish in a big pond where as before I was a big fish in a small pond. Its not easy being the sardine to so many sharks.
I went to the Pilsner Inn this evening and felt so invisible like I usually do going there. I had two drinks and decided to leave. I thought a lot about who I am and I honestly cant say I know. I wanted to stop, sit, and just think. I wanted nothing more than to be by myself. I wanted to escape in my own mind and just figure things out.
I thought if someone recognized me from gay.com (my picture), I could simply say, “ That’s right Amos”. Mr. Cellophane himself. Look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I’m there.
I went to The Mix and have to say, I already felt a change. People were nice enough to say hi. I didn’t stay more than 5 minutes before I went to Moby Dicks. I had 2 beers there and actually had a few people talk to me. I met this guy Jose who was nice enough to introduce me to his friends. Finally someone talking to me. How grateful was I? I have to say after feeling the way I’ve been feeling, it’s nice when people do actually notice you and even better when they talk to you.
I started thinking about age tonight. Am I too old for this? Do guys look at me as they do the trolls I used to remember? Do they think as theyre walking by “ eew he’s looking at me”? I know it’s my own self-consciousness but what if it is what theyre thinking? What if I am becoming that old man that people joke about? What if I am that person who is trying to look and act younger, not being able to let go of my youth? I don’t feel old yet I know the age. The age where you are now in your late 30s. The age where people stop looking and start noticing the gray hairs that are predominant in your hair. They notice the receding hairline. They notice that you aren’t 25, 26, or even 30. That awful 30 mark that everyone fears. You are now over 30.
Anyway, this may seem a bit depressing but it’s the thoughts that have run through my head. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, I would love to hear them. Now that I’ve identified the issues, I can work to change them and make them better. I just have to figure out the path.
On other notes before heading to bed. I am looking forward to Josh being here tomorrow. We are going to an art show with a theme of San Francisco, by artists from San Francisco. I’m hoping it will help me remember the great things about the city and help me to understand more about where I am going. We are also thinking about a blanket, the park, and perhaps some Chinese food, and watching Twelfth Night by Free Shakespeare in the Park. It should be a fantastic day tomorrow and then Folsom on Sunday.
One of the highlights to mention is that my friend Shawn (aka fuglydude) is in town and out of the blue called tonight. It’s too bad we couldn’t meet up but hopefully I will get to see him on Sunday. It was great to hear from him.
Well off to bed and like always, thanks for reading. Good night and sweet dreams.
Posted by Des at September 24, 2004 11:59 AM
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