Sometimes I tend to put an abundance of emotion into certain friendships.  People I want in my life, people I admire, and people who just seem to be good people.  Within the last few years, I have had several people come to me for an introduction into our community. and with open heart I have welcomed them as the people before me have welcomed me.  I have watched them grow, and felt a connection to their rising.  They grow, and make friendships which sometimes leaves me feeling a bit left behind.

Its a natural growth for them, and I understand that people grow in different ways, but its tough when you care about certain people to feel a certain disconnect that was once there.  When they stop texting, calling, and even commenting on Facebook.  When they stop mentioning you and although you may remain in their hearts forever as someone who helped them, they dont always maintain the friendship that was once there.

I certainly get it since Ive been known to do that myself however Ive tried (and continue to try) to maintain my friendships by making sure I say hello, call, text, or comment on blog posts.  It only takes a moment when you think of someone to send them a quick hi (almost everyone has access to their phone, and Facebook these days).

The part thats me is the fact that I often put more energy into things than most and when I dont get the emotion back or feel the love, I often end up sad.  I also wonder sometimes if Ive chosen good people or if in my efforts to maintain friendships Ive lost sight of whats really poisoning my life.  Case in point, a bulldozer of a friend who has stepped on my toes over and over again yet I still call them family, and still put emotion into remaining friends.  They are blind to it, and always feel they know best which makes it difficult for them to look at themselves deeper (question really is do they want to).

With that said, I am often left questioning my friendships, where I belong, and where I am headed.  Perhaps Im a dreamer, perhaps I care way too much, perhaps Ill be searching for my hearts content over and over till the day I die.  Im happy with who I am, but find it difficult when friends move on without me.  Maybe some day Ill learn and understand myself in order to get past this quicker.

Who am I?  What is my life?  Where am I going?  Who are the people I call friends?

Well the weekend is over and there is a new Mr San Francisco Leather. Am I happy with the outcome? That would be a no. Can I live with it and accept it? Sure!

This weekend has taught me several things. Some judges are biased which is a bit disheartening and it’s a good reason we have Olympic style scoring. I saw comments on there that referred to “knowing the person so I know he will do….” along with higher marks.

I also realized as much as the men don’t want women in our spaces, there are still many women who feel that way about men. I appreciate all the women in my life from family to friends. I know they appreciate me but for the most part my preference when I go out or get involved is to primarily be around other gay men.

Last year I had an incident with one woman who addressed me on a microphone across a half empty room as well as gave me grief about watching the rehearsals while waiting for the score sheets. This year a different woman made a comment regarding how much work the judges coordinator was doing in the process. This was uncalled for and I can’t help but chalk it up to the fact some women will come across as dominant for the only sake that its a man they don’t know.

Regardless it’s a learning experience which brings me to my own opinion of the outcome. Knowing the involvement of the person who won, I feel open to having more of this type of behavior enter into my common space. Again it’s only my opinion and thoughts but I stand by it. Let’s see if I’m wrong.

The other issue I have is that the winner was appointed the title they ran with 2 years in a row. The first time I can understand as an independent contestant but the second time I believe they should have competed in a contest to be able to run again. Do the work like the others who are there.

With it I won’t be too involved in the group this year and most likely will step aside next year in order to support the people coming in and educate them on everything that isn’t rainbows and butterflies with having a title.

I can accept it and move on with the hopes that at IML they will show their worth. Almost wish I was going this year.

So I started looking at my storage and found 4.3 GB of “other” being tied up.  I started wondering what this “other” was.  After some investigating, it appeared that the iPhone can store old information such as photos and videos which are not viewable through the phone and because you cant access the data files, there isnt any way to remove them.

Insert Jailbreak (and why you might want to).

I had to Jailbreak my iPhone, and download OpenSSH (there wont be an icon for it so dont worry).  I also downloaded Cyberduck on my Mac (allows WiFi transfers and allows you to view your files through the same WiFi network).

Setting up Cyberduck, I created a new connection choosing SFTP (SSH).  I entered the IP address on my phone (go to settings, WiFi, and press the > to get the WiFi Network info).  Username is root and the password alpine.  You should now have access to your phones directory.  WARNING:  If you dont know what you are doing, you probably shouldnt be in here deleting files.  ”When in doubt get the f@#^ out”

I found the sync folder for images and deleted them.  I downloaded the files to my hard drive before deleting and now I have both the free space on my phone and the photos that I thought were lost forever.

So I was inspired by a friends post about a specific cities cliques.  Ive also been told that San Francisco and the leather community here also have cliques.  Although I can understand how it could be perceived as such, I dont necessarily believe it exists.  Well not completely!

What we have to remember here is that its about Egos, and Attitudes mostly vs just a social environment where people gravitate toward the people they know.  For many, they feel more comfortable talking with their friends rather than everyone in a room.  People tend to fixate on the person who stands still rather than the butterfly who talks to everyone.

This could be perceived as a clique but in reality its just social awkwardness or comfort zones.  When egos get involved however, and people feel that they have a solid group of people, without any openness to allow anyone in, then its a clique.  I would like to believe that most people dont intentionally behave this way, but I do know it exists.

Why am I mentioning this or blogging about it?  I have always made myself open, and available, as well as approachable.  I have often been perceived as being part of a clique and have always taken offense to it.  It takes work to make ourselves better and to maintain a sense of goodness, and kindness.  Remembering to treat people fairly, honestly, and overall nice is not something we are born with.  Its something that we work for to make ourselves into the best people we know how to be.

Ive done the work and will continue……

2011 was another year of growing up.  No matter how old I get, I seem to continually grow as a person and in spirit.  The year was brought in with another great party however there were over 50 people there which made my decision to do something new this year for New Years Eve.  That story comes later.

Through the year I found new friendships, but still I was searching for a new direction in what seems like a consistent life.  Although most would say consistency is a good thing, its only good until it becomes stale and that’s where I found myself through most of the year.

If you have ever stopped to re-evaluate your life, which I believe most people do, I have (and still am) figuring out where there is room for improvement, and some things I need to let go of.  Through the year its also included people in my life.  I found bitterness in our community, disloyalties among people, and a whole lot of fake.  This concerned me a lot over the year and as a result I haven’t been as supportive of many communities and people.

Im still currently looking at specific friendships where it feels one sided, yet I do know these people are important to me.  I don’t understand why theyre important, but just know they are even if Im the only one I feel makes an effort to remain friends.  All of this will work itself out I know and some will remain out of my life or a mere acquaintance, where others will hopefully grow as I am .

I also had the trouble of a roommate that was one of the worst experiences of my life, with someone who was a tweeker.  The lies, the using, the tourniquet draped over my shower, the K drying in our basement, the homeless guy who he was trying to get to stay there.  Fighting a meth head isn’t the easiest and Im very grateful that’s over.

At the end of the year I decided I needed change.  Something in my life needs to be different.  I dated a great guy for about 3 months but also realized I still needed work.  This time away for Christmas, New Years, old friends and family is also a tool to help me with some of the issues I have.  I need to find my heart again which just doesn’t seem to be there.  I often feel lately I have no emotion which isn’t necessarily a good thing.  My goal for 2012 is to find it again either in myself or with someone I can trust 100%.  I need to find the confidence in myself again which is a lot of work right there.  It will happen.

So on to my vacation and my holidays.  Christmas was amazing spending it with my family.  Seeing my nephew and niece all grown up, as well as so many others who I remember when they were younger.  They all have kids and it was great to visit with my dad, Kim, and their family.  It was also great to spend some quality time with my mom and sister whom I really do care about and miss.  Im looking forward to more Christmases together.
In Rochester I got to catch up with good friends and old coworkers, not to mention entertain a few cute men in my hotel room.  No you don’t get the details to that.  My confidence level has improved and I always realize going out of town that I am attractive, I am a good person, I just cant get as much in San Francisco because I live there and know so many people.  It’s a tough one and feels like limited supply sometimes.

Toronto for New Years is fantastic as Im getting ready to hit Pitbull.  Seeing friends I haven’t seen in a long time has been fantastic.  Miss Conception, Matt, Anthoney, and Growlie all play a great part of my weekend.  Getting hit on by this extremely hot mess from Montreal who decided he wanted to make out with me was fun until I realized he was nuts.  There was a guy and girl who sat down next to us, and they had to pretend they were a straight couple in order to keep him off the guy.  I  also was brushed up on by a lesbian who I think was flirting but walked away quickly.  Finally today I hit Steamworks and got a good amount of fun in.

Im looking forward to getting back home though and starting 2012 in San Francisco under my own terms and hopefully this year will be amazing.  Ill keep you posted.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family.  With all my love!

I went to the eye doctor this evening to have my eyes examined to see if Id be eligible for LASIK.  I am however theres a few things to consider.

If I do nothing, Ill still need glasses, and still need contacts, however in a few years, they will need to be bifocals.  My right eye has a slight stigmatism and would be the one that requires  a reading lens where as my left, as she mentioned would never really need one as it is.  Problem is, my left eye is about -2.25.

If I have them correct both eyes, the left would not be perfect, and I would still need reading glasses a few years down the road.  I could have them do one eye which would allow me to have nearly perfect vision while the other would still be a bit bad but in this case I would never need glasses.  If I find I do need some increase in vision in my left eye, they could do that eye slightly bringing it down to about 1.0 while fixing my right eye.  It would allow me to hold off several years before needing reading glasses.

Here’s the test.  Im going to walk around with one contact in my right eye and see if its something I can tolorate.  If so, then it would allow me to have the one eye done and never have to wear contacts or glasses again.  If it doesnt work, I have an extra lens that I would bring it down to 1.00 and show me what it would be like.  Overall Im tempted to say yes to both eyes and just deal with reading glasses in a few years anyway, but being in front of a computer all day still wearing glasses would be only fixing half the problem.

So theres my dilemma!

• not wear glasses part of the time (off work hours)
• not wear glasses at all and deal with bad vision from one eye
• have almost perfect vision but and still need reading glasses in about 10 years.

Decisions but Im leaning with the last one……

I often wonder if we do the things we do for others out of some necessity for self worth. I don’t believe it’s intentional but I think everyone wants something out of it even if it’s just a need to feel good about themselves. So many consider themselves good people, and I know many are but I can’t help but wonder if there is a true form of goodness in our world.

So Im trying to figure out where these emotions are coming from.  I get lost in my head thinking and cant help but to wonder what makes us who we are and how come others seem to be able to keep their emotions in check?  For the most part I can, but lately it seems a bit unstable, off balance, and just a big roller coaster.  Is it natural?  Maybe I should talk to someone?

Perhaps its just the after shock of my summer which no one could possibly understand unless you were in my head living my life.  I reached a breaking point and feel like I havent been the same ever since.  Its always been my job to be the strong one, to be in control, and although I feel I manage it well, it took all my strength to deal with the situations in July.

Some may feel Ive been holding on to that as an excuse, which perhaps in some ways I have but when someone asks me lately “why have you changed?” I cant help but to think about the stress of it all and associate it back to that.

For those who dont know, my July had me dealing with a roommate who gave notice because he was running out of money, had no place to live when he moved out, was using meth, and invited a homeless guy to stay here calling him his boyfriend and support.  Now I understand boyfriends coming over, however I was faced with protecting my own living situation.  With the info stated, I couldnt allow the guest to establish tenancy (it only takes two weeks for a guest to establish tenancy).  If he did, it would be an eviction process, and with the roommate having no where to go, I was worried Id have to go through the courts to get both of them evicted.  Tourniquets draped over the shower, arguing with someone who is on meth, and to top it off I had to have 2 rounds of guests that I was embarrassed to have stay with me while this was going on.

Once July ended I took some time to get myself back in order.  Clear up issues that were hurting me, regain my head space, and get back to who I was.  Then wham, my first partner passed away who was the first real relationship, the first person I ever introduced to my family, the person who introduced me to the gay life style, the person whom I first felt the heart ache of a break up with, the first person whom I really cared enough about to be friends afterwards.

I grieved for about a night and then karma came and introduced me to a wonderful guy who really is everything that I needed.  For the past month and a half, being in a relationship has really helped me, but I havent had that chance to grieve.  I havent had that chance to fully get back to me.

The relationship moved fast and I suddenly felt trapped.  Like I lost who I was for the sake of going through the motions of a relationship.  I forgot what it felt like to have someone who truly cares about me and it felt good.  The hard part is figuring out how I feel after going through so much over the past few months.

I know I have to let go of the past to move forward, its just not always easy figuring out how.  I often feel alone in the world, and when I look around me, I dont always see people I can talk to.  I see some friends that I dont want to burden with my grief, and others who I think are friends, only contact me when they need something.  Its a rough place to be and the one who truly cares, isnt always the one you can open up to and talk.

Writing has always been my therapy, and often I feel my only outlet.  This episode has been helpful in the beginning of figuring out where Im heading.  Lots of work to do ahead.

Ive come to realize that I take friendships for granted.  Now some may think “shame on you”, but what Im talking about is probably the opposite of what you may think.  I tend to meet people, hang out in the bar, become good friends, do things together, and think “this is a friend”.  They then disappear, move on, get into relationships, and eventually we only see them in passing.  I often wonder are they still a friend?  Do they still care about me, and if so, a bigger question, do I still care about them?

What Ive found in the past with friendships, is that its a two way street.  I have people who are a part of my life that I dont need to see every day to know that they are with me, they care about me, and I as well will always care about them.  They have given me something that has made my life better.  They are truly friends.

So who are these people that havent really contributed to my life yet have taken something from me?  used me for their own gain?  Perhaps they look at me as a friend for something Ive done or given them?  This makes me question those who have given me something, have I given enough back?

Is it possible for friends to go from “friends” to acquaintances?  Where do we make that disconnect?  Should we or do we?  Ever have a friend jump into a relationship and the next time you see them or hear from them is when its ended and they need their friends?

All I know is life has been good to me, and has blessed me with the people who will go out of their way to stay in touch, and to let me know that Im loved.  Part of me is tired of giving for friendship only to have more acquaintances.

It seems superficial, and fake which I pride myself in realizing the differences.  So many cant and whats not real to me has no purpose in my life.  Of course there will always be those acquaintances I adore and like, but how much of my heart am I really giving them and how much do they take back.

I guess Ill just take it at face value, live life, love the people I do, and accept the ones who love me back.  Those are the ones who deserve it regardless if they are a true friend or a friend in passing.  Its all part of lifes journey and another lesson learned.