Random Moments Idiocracy and Glory

2011 was another year of growing up.  No matter how old I get, I seem to continually grow as a person and in spirit.  The year was brought in with another great party however there were over 50 people there which made my decision to do something new this year for New Years Eve.  That story comes later.

Through the year I found new friendships, but still I was searching for a new direction in what seems like a consistent life.  Although most would say consistency is a good thing, its only good until it becomes stale and that’s where I found myself through most of the year.

If you have ever stopped to re-evaluate your life, which I believe most people do, I have (and still am) figuring out where there is room for improvement, and some things I need to let go of.  Through the year its also included people in my life.  I found bitterness in our community, disloyalties among people, and a whole lot of fake.  This concerned me a lot over the year and as a result I haven’t been as supportive of many communities and people.

Im still currently looking at specific friendships where it feels one sided, yet I do know these people are important to me.  I don’t understand why theyre important, but just know they are even if Im the only one I feel makes an effort to remain friends.  All of this will work itself out I know and some will remain out of my life or a mere acquaintance, where others will hopefully grow as I am .

I also had the trouble of a roommate that was one of the worst experiences of my life, with someone who was a tweeker.  The lies, the using, the tourniquet draped over my shower, the K drying in our basement, the homeless guy who he was trying to get to stay there.  Fighting a meth head isn’t the easiest and Im very grateful that’s over.

At the end of the year I decided I needed change.  Something in my life needs to be different.  I dated a great guy for about 3 months but also realized I still needed work.  This time away for Christmas, New Years, old friends and family is also a tool to help me with some of the issues I have.  I need to find my heart again which just doesn’t seem to be there.  I often feel lately I have no emotion which isn’t necessarily a good thing.  My goal for 2012 is to find it again either in myself or with someone I can trust 100%.  I need to find the confidence in myself again which is a lot of work right there.  It will happen.

So on to my vacation and my holidays.  Christmas was amazing spending it with my family.  Seeing my nephew and niece all grown up, as well as so many others who I remember when they were younger.  They all have kids and it was great to visit with my dad, Kim, and their family.  It was also great to spend some quality time with my mom and sister whom I really do care about and miss.  Im looking forward to more Christmases together.
In Rochester I got to catch up with good friends and old coworkers, not to mention entertain a few cute men in my hotel room.  No you don’t get the details to that.  My confidence level has improved and I always realize going out of town that I am attractive, I am a good person, I just cant get as much in San Francisco because I live there and know so many people.  It’s a tough one and feels like limited supply sometimes.

Toronto for New Years is fantastic as Im getting ready to hit Pitbull.  Seeing friends I haven’t seen in a long time has been fantastic.  Miss Conception, Matt, Anthoney, and Growlie all play a great part of my weekend.  Getting hit on by this extremely hot mess from Montreal who decided he wanted to make out with me was fun until I realized he was nuts.  There was a guy and girl who sat down next to us, and they had to pretend they were a straight couple in order to keep him off the guy.  I  also was brushed up on by a lesbian who I think was flirting but walked away quickly.  Finally today I hit Steamworks and got a good amount of fun in.

Im looking forward to getting back home though and starting 2012 in San Francisco under my own terms and hopefully this year will be amazing.  Ill keep you posted.

Happy New Year to all my friends and family.  With all my love!

I went to the eye doctor this evening to have my eyes examined to see if Id be eligible for LASIK.  I am however theres a few things to consider.

If I do nothing, Ill still need glasses, and still need contacts, however in a few years, they will need to be bifocals.  My right eye has a slight stigmatism and would be the one that requires  a reading lens where as my left, as she mentioned would never really need one as it is.  Problem is, my left eye is about -2.25.

If I have them correct both eyes, the left would not be perfect, and I would still need reading glasses a few years down the road.  I could have them do one eye which would allow me to have nearly perfect vision while the other would still be a bit bad but in this case I would never need glasses.  If I find I do need some increase in vision in my left eye, they could do that eye slightly bringing it down to about 1.0 while fixing my right eye.  It would allow me to hold off several years before needing reading glasses.

Here’s the test.  Im going to walk around with one contact in my right eye and see if its something I can tolorate.  If so, then it would allow me to have the one eye done and never have to wear contacts or glasses again.  If it doesnt work, I have an extra lens that I would bring it down to 1.00 and show me what it would be like.  Overall Im tempted to say yes to both eyes and just deal with reading glasses in a few years anyway, but being in front of a computer all day still wearing glasses would be only fixing half the problem.

So theres my dilemma!

• not wear glasses part of the time (off work hours)
• not wear glasses at all and deal with bad vision from one eye
• have almost perfect vision but and still need reading glasses in about 10 years.

Decisions but Im leaning with the last one……

I often wonder if we do the things we do for others out of some necessity for self worth. I don’t believe it’s intentional but I think everyone wants something out of it even if it’s just a need to feel good about themselves. So many consider themselves good people, and I know many are but I can’t help but wonder if there is a true form of goodness in our world.

So Im trying to figure out where these emotions are coming from.  I get lost in my head thinking and cant help but to wonder what makes us who we are and how come others seem to be able to keep their emotions in check?  For the most part I can, but lately it seems a bit unstable, off balance, and just a big roller coaster.  Is it natural?  Maybe I should talk to someone?

Perhaps its just the after shock of my summer which no one could possibly understand unless you were in my head living my life.  I reached a breaking point and feel like I havent been the same ever since.  Its always been my job to be the strong one, to be in control, and although I feel I manage it well, it took all my strength to deal with the situations in July.

Some may feel Ive been holding on to that as an excuse, which perhaps in some ways I have but when someone asks me lately “why have you changed?” I cant help but to think about the stress of it all and associate it back to that.

For those who dont know, my July had me dealing with a roommate who gave notice because he was running out of money, had no place to live when he moved out, was using meth, and invited a homeless guy to stay here calling him his boyfriend and support.  Now I understand boyfriends coming over, however I was faced with protecting my own living situation.  With the info stated, I couldnt allow the guest to establish tenancy (it only takes two weeks for a guest to establish tenancy).  If he did, it would be an eviction process, and with the roommate having no where to go, I was worried Id have to go through the courts to get both of them evicted.  Tourniquets draped over the shower, arguing with someone who is on meth, and to top it off I had to have 2 rounds of guests that I was embarrassed to have stay with me while this was going on.

Once July ended I took some time to get myself back in order.  Clear up issues that were hurting me, regain my head space, and get back to who I was.  Then wham, my first partner passed away who was the first real relationship, the first person I ever introduced to my family, the person who introduced me to the gay life style, the person whom I first felt the heart ache of a break up with, the first person whom I really cared enough about to be friends afterwards.

I grieved for about a night and then karma came and introduced me to a wonderful guy who really is everything that I needed.  For the past month and a half, being in a relationship has really helped me, but I havent had that chance to grieve.  I havent had that chance to fully get back to me.

The relationship moved fast and I suddenly felt trapped.  Like I lost who I was for the sake of going through the motions of a relationship.  I forgot what it felt like to have someone who truly cares about me and it felt good.  The hard part is figuring out how I feel after going through so much over the past few months.

I know I have to let go of the past to move forward, its just not always easy figuring out how.  I often feel alone in the world, and when I look around me, I dont always see people I can talk to.  I see some friends that I dont want to burden with my grief, and others who I think are friends, only contact me when they need something.  Its a rough place to be and the one who truly cares, isnt always the one you can open up to and talk.

Writing has always been my therapy, and often I feel my only outlet.  This episode has been helpful in the beginning of figuring out where Im heading.  Lots of work to do ahead.

Ive come to realize that I take friendships for granted.  Now some may think “shame on you”, but what Im talking about is probably the opposite of what you may think.  I tend to meet people, hang out in the bar, become good friends, do things together, and think “this is a friend”.  They then disappear, move on, get into relationships, and eventually we only see them in passing.  I often wonder are they still a friend?  Do they still care about me, and if so, a bigger question, do I still care about them?

What Ive found in the past with friendships, is that its a two way street.  I have people who are a part of my life that I dont need to see every day to know that they are with me, they care about me, and I as well will always care about them.  They have given me something that has made my life better.  They are truly friends.

So who are these people that havent really contributed to my life yet have taken something from me?  used me for their own gain?  Perhaps they look at me as a friend for something Ive done or given them?  This makes me question those who have given me something, have I given enough back?

Is it possible for friends to go from “friends” to acquaintances?  Where do we make that disconnect?  Should we or do we?  Ever have a friend jump into a relationship and the next time you see them or hear from them is when its ended and they need their friends?

All I know is life has been good to me, and has blessed me with the people who will go out of their way to stay in touch, and to let me know that Im loved.  Part of me is tired of giving for friendship only to have more acquaintances.

It seems superficial, and fake which I pride myself in realizing the differences.  So many cant and whats not real to me has no purpose in my life.  Of course there will always be those acquaintances I adore and like, but how much of my heart am I really giving them and how much do they take back.

I guess Ill just take it at face value, live life, love the people I do, and accept the ones who love me back.  Those are the ones who deserve it regardless if they are a true friend or a friend in passing.  Its all part of lifes journey and another lesson learned.

Everyone has a journey in life.  Sometimes that path goes in a different direction that we dont see right away because our own path takes priority.  We all want to know where we are going but unfortunately we cant possibly know until we get there.

They say walk a mile in someone elses shoes, and each of us want someone else to walk in ours.  The literal sense may be fun (heels and boots come to mind since Im gay), but the metaphysical sense really helps us appreciate our own path as well as lead us to understand someone elses.

The way I see life working is like drawing a bunch of dots.  Each one represents someone else.  You can start on any dot, connect them all, and each one would have a different path, sometimes crossing ours, sometimes moving on, and sometimes never crossing at all.  No path is an incorrect path, however sometimes we just dont see that journey that someone else has started.

On a rare occasion, both paths end up at the same place.  Im very fortunate to have had crossed paths with many great people and once again Im feeling as if someone has crossed my path and has hope of ended in the same place as me.

With all the work Ive done to find my way, Ive evolved.  Ive grown as a person, lived, and have made a place in my world that I can be comfortable with.  For someone to have grown in a different world, and taken different paths, its hard to find that person who has evolved as much as I have (or at least meet me where I am in life).

I like to compare it to age difference.  When people ask someone who is 42 if they would date someone 18, well the answer most would give is that there isnt anything in common.  There are a few exceptions of course, but truth be told, the person 18, as mature as they may be for their age, still has a ton of life experiences to enjoy in order to be where you are already.

The same applies to status so when you think about 2 people who have similar journeys but different, ending up in the same dot on the grid, its really exciting.  To have met someone that rocks my world, and gives me a sense that I rock it back, its amazing and something I didnt think Id find.  Although its only been a short while of getting to know this person, I cant help but think we are similar in so many ways, and although our dots have crossed many times over the years, its kind of nice that we finally stayed to see a connection.

If it works out thats great, if there is more thats wonderful, but for anything at all, I feel lucky to have had a chance to get to know this person, connect, and feel from the heart.  Im indeed a lucky person for the love that surrounds me.

Just when I think that Ive become immune to death and know exactly how life works, a shovel comes wailing down, hitting me in the back of the head.  Ive always felt that we are born, we live, and we die.  Those who mourn are selfish in the fact that its about their needs, what they lost, and how they feel.  As we go through life, we learn, and there is something telling me there is a lesson in this for me somewhere.

I came out at 23, met a guy one night, and he wanted to know if I wanted to go home with him.  I said “maybe”.  He quickly said “fuck you!” and gave me a speech about “maybe”.  I learned at that moment that I needed to be decisive and make up my mind.  I wasnt about to let that happen again (and I havent).  Its either “yes” or “no” now and never a maybe.

6 months later, I ran into the same guy and told him I appreciated the insight.  We talked, he was 9 years older than me, and eventually started dating.  We lasted 2 1/2 years together, went through some good times as well as some really bad times.  I met many great people through him, and not only gained friendships by listening, but also wisdom.

Ive always appreciated what I have today, and know that my life is made up of so many people whom Ive met along the way.  People who have lived, know what life is (much more than I ever thought I knew), and people who will make a difference, even if its only in your eyes.  Rick made a difference to me and through everything, we remained good friends, kept in touch on occasion, and still cared about each others lives.

Last night I learned of his passing at age 50.  I cried which I generally dont do when someone dies.  Im the one who understands death, and how life works (I mean its simple right?).  So why am I sad, why am I mourning, and how do I change the feeling in my heart that Ive lost someone special.  Im sure time will tell me and until then, Ill know that I dont know everything, and am not as confident about death as I thought.

The memories will be there and at some point Ill know.  The meaning of life is forever a question.

Most people are fortunate to have those people in their lives that they truly love.  There are usually a handful and those that stay are usually less.  Im talking about those who can bring a smile to your face when you are at your lowest moment, and shine to make you feel better.  Whether they are a few blocks away, a city away, on the other side of the country, or even the world.  Im fortunate to have many of these people in my life.

A partner?  A friendship?  how do you describe it except a deep love for a human being who may never be physically close but will always be emotionally close.  Someone who just stole your heart and with that you would give anything to them, as they have genuinely given you something back emotionally.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of heading to the circus with someone who will always be a part of my life in some way.  We were together for several years, and still remain the best of friends.  We had a great time, and continued to lounge around together for the rest of the time together, knowing that we will always care about each other.  This is someone who knows me inside and out, knows just what to say, and can read my expressions and know what Im thinking without having to say a word.  That kind of connection only comes once in a lifetime for most people.  Again, Im grateful for having several.

After a long and rough day at work, practically the worst day in my 4 1/2 years there, I was feeling beat up, and just looking for isolation.  I got a text from another person whom Ive always held dear to me asking if I received anything in the mail.  After going back and forth with a “no”, I looked harder outside and found the package he had sent me for my birthday.  A cute shirt of “GIR” with big letters BACON SOAP “I made it myself”.  That put a smile on my face.  The card made me tear up as I read “You’ll always have a piece of my heart”.  The emotion there, knowing that the feeling is mutual, the love we share will always be the same, make me wonder (yet accept) what was it that made that connection.  The only answer I can think of is a heart felt love and appreciation for each other.

It may be someone from Minneapolis, Detroit, New York, Rochester, Seattle, LA or somewhere overseas, there will always be a handful of people that will always be there, always love me (as I will love them), and always be that emotional bond between two people.  Life gives us gifts and if we are smart, we will accept them while giving it back.

Love yourself, love those around you, and love the universe because its a wonderful gift.